Sunday, August 30, 2009

Be Back in September

BuboBlog Enterprises Group LLC, a division of BuboCorp (now incorporated in Cayman Brac), is shutting down until after Labor Day.

You'll have to get your news from other sources.

I recommend starting here.

Friday, August 28, 2009

How Did You Get Here?

Here are some actual Google search terms that people have used to find BuboBlog.

1. Witchcraft lesbianism
2. Baby daddy underwear blog
3. Gay bathroom etiquette
4. Getting OxyContin in the Tenderloin
5. Baby abuse hangover (BuboBlog is the first thing that pops up on Google for this one!)

I must have used some of those terms over the years. But if you've come here looking for insight into gay bathroom etiquette or how to score some Oxy in the TL, this blog is going to be a bit of a disappointment.

Maybe I should to try to rectify the situation by using more wholesome keywords: PUPPIES * RAINBOWS * UNICORNS * BRIAN BOITANO * BUTTERFLY KISSES.

That should do it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

At Least Some Things Are Still Sacred

When I first heard about the "cash-for-clunkers" program, I had the same thought as you: Won't this devastate the supply of Calvin-peeing-on-things decals?

I mean, most of the peeing-Calvin decals I see are on older trucks and SUVs — the main target for the cash-for-clunkers program. (This can't be merely a coincidence, Barack Obama.)

So I was relieved tonight when I saw a car parked on Clay that still had one of these decals displayed.

And it was a Mazda Protege!

See, enjoying the antics of Calvin peeing on things isn't mutually exclusive with owning a fuel-efficient vehicle. Good taste comes in all shapes and sizes.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Speak American, Damn It

Kelly bought a set of wooden blocks for Elliot.

Hello, they're not even in English.

Yet, they were made in America. Is this what's happened to our once-great nation — we've let the foreigners take over?

And honestly, who expected it to be the Danes? [My money was on Singapore. -ed.]

Side note: Is this seriously the Danish word for skunk?

His first word better not be "sommerfugl"!

Can I Buy a Vowel?

Remember when I was remarking about how LGBT had suddenly become LGBTQ — catching me completely unawares?

Well, it seems there might be room for another letter: A!

Check out this article in the Chronicle.

Thank God, because now you can actually spell something cool.


That's the QT-BAGL mascot, Cutie Bagel.

Shall I print up the T-shirts now?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Miles of Clunkers

We drove to Tahoe last weekend. On the way, we passed the massive Fairfield Auto Mall.

The lots were packed with old cars, each with a giant "CLUNKER" sticker in the front windshield. They went on forever (this video is just a small sample).

Question: What are they going to do with all that scrap metal? And can someone please keep it away from Skynet?

Staying Classy

Elliot has no qualms about violating the dress code of a Vacaville Rubio's.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Living Dangerously

Kelly and I recently found some currency in the West Texas desert on the street. It was enough money that we felt pretty weird just pocketing it, so we posted an ad on Craigslist asking if anyone had lost something. I would feel terrible if it was rent money for a migrant worker or something.

None of the people who responded to the ad had actually lost money, though some of them had lost a laptop and a flash-memory card (so whoever has that, could you please return those items?).

I became more concerned when I saw a study saying that most U.S. currency contains traces of cocaine. Because it seems likely that currency found in a sketchy part of San Francisco contains HELLA amounts of cocaine. It's a wonder we didn't get high just picking it up.

Should we have reported it to the police? I don't know. But we ended up spending it on a car seat for Elliot.

This is possibly the lamest thing anyone has even bought after they found money on the street.

But maybe it will generate sympathy after the owner of the money comes to kill us?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

'Tasered Homeless Man Catches on Fire'

I don't want to impugn the integrity of the AP, but I'm pretty sure the reporter saw this picture first and then just wrote a story to match it:

Police in Ohio say officers using a new Taser stun gun briefly set a homeless man on fire while trying to subdue him.

A police report in Lancaster, about 30 miles southeast of Columbus, says one officer had seen the man inhaling a chemical from an aerosol can Monday night. That officer and another then struggled with the suspect, and the Taser was used. A flame appeared on the man's chest, and officers patted it down.

I mean is there any other explanation for a guy looking like this than: (1.) inhaling flammable chemicals (2.) getting tasered (3.) catching on fire.

Maybe we need to do another mugshot showdown!

Monday, August 17, 2009

TastyBaby Is People!

As a believer in organic foods, Kelly doesn't want Elliot eating pesticides or hormones.

But apparently there's nothing wrong with buying him food made out of BABIES!

What else can you deduce from the label of this product, which I found in our freezer.

What's most upsetting is that apparently only Indian babies are used to make TastyBaby.

They've finally taken outsourcing too far!

Fortunately Elliot is content to eat the couch instead.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

'Fissure'-Themed Cryptoquip

Check out this Cryptoquip from the Chronicle. Clearly it was timed to coincide with the release of "Fissure" this week.

It says: "If a person were an expert in examining long narrow cracks, would that make him a fissureman?"

Thanks for the plug, King Features Syndicate!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Speaking of Getting Old...

Every day for the past few months, I've been passing a billboard on Folsom Street advertising "Carano vs. Cyborg."

I have no idea what this event is. I realize I'm no longer in the coveted 18-34 demographic, but I can't even begin to speculate in this case. What the hell is this? And is there an actual cyborg involved?

I see that Rockstar Energy Drink is a sponsor (a product that I've never tried...though I have sampled Red Bull. Hipness points for that?).

It's happening tonight, so maybe someone can fill me in. Seriously.

Talk About Time Travel

Earlier this year, there was a story in London's Guardian newspaper about how Hollywood forces 40-ish actresses (and sometimes younger) to play mothers and old shrews — even though male actors the same age are still cast as strapping young men:

It is all too easy for a female actor to find herself cast as the mother of someone who once played her boyfriend as soon as she blows out the candles on her 35th birthday cake. This has long been an accepted fact of Hollywood life, and one that most women keep schtum about as they know they should be grateful to get any roles at all in their decrepit post-30s.

But last weekend, Hope Davis finally broke ranks to admit she was somewhat "peeved" when she was recently offered a role playing the mother of Johnny Depp, a concept that would have tested the skills of the most talented special effects department, seeing as Davis was actually born the year after Depp....

Angelina Jolie seemed to take being cast as Colin Farrell's mother in Alexander with good grace, despite being only a year older than him. But then again, maybe she was too busy considering whether she should adopt him to bother to take offence. Then there's Forrest Gump, in which Sally Field plays Tom Hanks's mother: not only is Field only a decade older than Hanks, but only six years before she was playing opposite him as his romantic interest in the movie Punchline.

Lea Thompson was exactly the same age as Michael J Fox — 24 — when she played his mother in Back to the Future, while Elizabeth Taylor was a mere four years older than Dennis Hopper when she played his mother in Giant.

The story makes many valid points (though the Lea Thompson example is stupid: She had to be able to play a much younger version of herself during the scenes set in the 1950s).

But one actress apparently doesn't have to follow these rules: Sarah Jessica Parker!

We recently saw "Smart People," which came out last year. We enjoyed the film (BuboBlog Rating: 3 asterisks out of four), and Parker does a fine job in her role as the love interest.

What was odd was the film makes reference to her being a college freshman in 1992. Assuming it was set in 2008, that would make her character roughly 34 — about 10 years younger than she really is.

40 oz. to Freedom — Except, the Opposite

I don't know how I missed this story until now, but this is possibly the most awesome attempted crime EVER.

First of all, it involves trying to steal ice cream. (Or maybe they were just trying to steal money from an ice-cream vendor, but let's assume it was the ice cream they wanted.)

Second...note the weapons involved: 40-ounce malt-liquor bottles.

Pretty much anything you do after drinking a 40-ounce King Cobra should be absolved by society. I'm fairly certain that was first established by Plato's Republic.

Here's the story, per the Marin Independent Journal:

The alleged heist occurred Tuesday night on eastbound Highway 37, where the ice cream truck, a 1973 Chevy, was in the right lane and a green Mercury Sable was in the left lane, police said.

The Mercury rammed the ice cream truck three times on the left rear corner until the truck spun out and came to a stop, said Officer Chris Rardin of the California Highway Patrol. Both vehicles then pulled off the highway, and three bandits emerged from the Mercury brandishing 40-ounce bottles of liquor as weapons.

As the men threatened to rob the ice cream vendor, a Napa resident who witnessed the attack pulled up and told the robbers he had called police. The robbers then got back in their car and fled.

The men were later stopped for a suspected DUI (shocker) and arrested.

In college, I was famous for introducing 40-ounce malt liquor to Haverford. (This claim-to-fame was never independently confirmed, but I'll just let my blog enshrine it as fact.)

Did we ever dream that 40-ounce malt liquor would someday be used to rob ice-cream trucks? No. But I'm glad that today's youth isn't limited by our lack of imagination.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Who Lives South of Market?

I was amused to see this on the Zillow real-estate Web site.

To be fair, this is probably only meant to describe home buyers in the neighborhood. But in the interest of full disclosure, they probably should have included a few more options:

4. Methadone-Clinic Rear-Entrance Smokers
5. No. 12 Bus Stop Crazies
6. Makin' It (on your front steps) Couples
7. Assless-Chaps Accessorizers
8. Vacuum-Cleaner/CRT-Television Sidewalk Leavers
9. E&J-Brandy-Swillin' Tent Pitchers
10. Nightclub-Line Hoochie Mamas

Think that pretty much covers it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

'Driver Finds Baby in Diaper'

This story caught my eye because it seemed to provide a glimpse of Elliot's future.

From the Associated Press:
A driver on her way to work has found a toddler crawling in the middle of a busy Ohio intersection.

Rachel Downey spotted the 14-month-old boy Friday morning in the Cleveland suburb South Euclid. She hit her brakes, jumped out of her car and grabbed him.

She said he was "smack in the middle of the street." He was dressed in just a diaper and a green one-piece outfit.

I found it odd that they tried to play up the fact that the baby was only in a diaper — then they mention that he also was wearing a onesie.

Hello, in the baby world, that's called "fully dressed."

Would they write a story about a man wandering through the streets in his underwear — except he was also wearing a tuxedo.

Quit trying to sensationalize parental neglect, AP!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

We Have Distribution, Party People

As of today, "Fissure" is available at Netflix, Blockbuster, Amazon and the Fissure online store.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

For the history of "Fissure" — from script to DVD — you can click on the tag below.

Not Sure This Is an Improvement

Remember when I complained that Elliot's first pair of shoes wasn't macho enough?

Well, here is his second pair.

I do like the monkey theme.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Real Crisis in Iceland

Some friends visited Iceland recently. Knowing how much I enjoy candy, they were kind enough to bring me back some. (This was most appreciated, despite what follows.)

Iceland is currently plunged in a severe financial crisis. The problems have been blamed on the country's overreliance on the banking industry. But now that I've sampled some of their sweets, I wonder if the real root cause is HORRENDOUSLY BAD TASTE IN CANDY.

I tested three types of candy bar: the Eittsett, the Nizza and the Tromp.

I started with the Eitsett, which is a milk chocolate bar with a leathery strip of black licorice. Now, I don't particularly care for licorice, so that puts me at a disadvantage (since it appears to be the building block of all Icelandic treats). But I'm pretty sure no one wants to eat a piece of licorice that tastes like an old belt.

Elliot did enjoy the wrapper, though.

The Nizza was a similar idea, except it's milk chocolate with hard kernels of licorice embedded inside. Delightful, if you need to remove a filling at home.

Remember in third grade when your class had a rabbit and the teacher gave it away at the end of the school year, then you came back after the summer and saw there were still some turds at the bottom of the cage, so you ate some? That sums up these licorice bits.

Finally, there was the Tromp. It was a bit like a Charleston Chew — if Charleston Chew came in "ass flavor." It combines a strip of licorice with a mysterious green substance, surrounded by chocolate. I couldn't figure out what the green stuff was: nougat, pistachio, marshmallow?

The list of ingredients wasn't much help. I'm pretty sure "sykur" means "sugar." I'm going to have to assume the green thing was "nymjolkurduft," because that just sounds disgusting.

This was Kelly's reaction (she thought the green stuff was marzipan, by the way).

Fortunately, I had some Japanese candy to cleanse my palate. As I've said before, Japan is a candy superpower. They should provide some emergency aid to Iceland in this department.

Despite the disturbing shape of these cookies, they were delicious.

Dōmo arigatō.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Elliot's No Longer a Baby

We were riding the No. 12 bus home when a family came on board with a three-year-old girl named Madison.

(Question: Were people really still naming babies "Madison" in 2006? Answer: Apparently!)

Madison sat next to Elliot, and he was immediately enthralled. He used all his tricks to get her to notice him, including:
1. Smiling
2. Waving
3. Reaching

Sadly, she wasn't having it.

Here was the resulting conversation between young Madison and her parents:
Parents: Madison, stop being mean to that baby.
Madison: He's not a baby.
Parents: Okay, stop being mean to that little boy.

I thought: "What? Elliot isn't a baby anymore?? He's only 11 months. He's still an infant by most definitions. Yes, he's larger than average, but still..."

And yet, I was strong. I didn't say anything.

It's hard to argue with the raw honesty of children. Maybe I should just accept that Elliot is no longer our little baby.

UPDATE: We just got back from our local cafe/laundromat, where the guy working there barely recognized Elliot.

"Is that Elliot? He's not a baby anymore," he said.

You don't have to rub it in.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I'm Confused...

The Outside Lands music festival is later this month in Golden Gate Park.

Based on the ads for it, I had assumed the festival was designed to introduce young people to music that was popular when I was in college.

How else can you explain the headliners: Pearl Jam, Dave Mathews Band and Beastie Boys.

I'm pretty sure the lineup was inspired by a mix tape someone found in my basement beneath some lacrosse equipment and a statistical-methods textbook. I believe it was called "Nix Mix Rockin' 1994."

And yet, when the Beastie Boys had to bow out of the show, they replaced them with...Tenacious D?

Hello, anachronism!

Were Das EFX and Stone Temple Pilots not available? How about Ace of Base?

(And could I have my mix tape back now?)

Friday, August 07, 2009

Not-So-Much-Love Shack

Have you heard? RadioShack is changing its name to "The Shack."

To spread the word, they're holding a festival called "Netogether" (get it?) down at Justin Herman Plaza this weekend.

We were waiting for a bus tonight, so we stopped in to see what was happening.

Sadly, it wasn't very well attended (maybe they should have chosen the last Friday of the month).

A nice young lady working for "The Shack" gave us a schedule of the weekend's events.

I'm a little concerned about the "public interactions" portion of the schedule (which appears to be between 4 a.m. and 8 a.m. tomorrow).

If you've ever been to Justin Herman Plaza between those hours, you know that "public interaction" most likely results in vomit on your shoe. Or an earful about the Tet Offensive from a homeless veteran.

Good luck, The Shack!

Elliot's First Ferris Wheel

They had a ferris wheel at the carnival operating down by the ballpark this summer.

By this sign's standards, Elliot failed twice. So I'm not sure why they let us on.

Elliot wasn't clear on the concept at first, but then he got into it.

He didn't care much for the view, though.

True to his nature, he was more interested in plunging to his death.

Fortunately, everyone survived.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

More on 'Where the Wild Things Are'

I missed this until now, but the "Stuff White People Like" site also has tackled concerns surrounding the new "Where the Wild Things Are" movie:
It is a guarantee that whenever it is announced that a popular book is being turned into a movie, white people will get upset...these announcements create a ticking time bomb where by a white person must read the book in ADVANCE of the release of the movie. This is done partly so that they can engage in the popular activity of complaining about how the movie failed to capture the essence of the book. But more importantly, once a book has been made into a movie, a white person can no longer read that book. To have read the book after the movie is one of the great crimes in white culture, and under no circumstances should you ever admit to doing this. Literally dozens of white friendships have imploded when it was revealed that someone read Fight Club after 1999.

According to the site, white people are very excited about the fact that director Spike Jonze and writer Dave Eggers are involved.

But that's not all:
Though the talent and the material has white people in a tizzy, the real excitement comes from the fact that this film is based off a book that is 48 pages long and made up mostly of illustrations. This means that white people do not have to re-read the book until the day they head to the movie theater. Thus freeing them up to watch The Director’s Series: The Work of Spike Jonze DVD which they bought years ago but only watched once.

If white people love this book, Elliot must be the whitest boy alive, since he's read eaten it dozens of times.

(Plus he's disturbingly pale.)

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Very Suspicious

I tried the program again with different pictures and got the same result.

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family tree chart - Free family tree search

What gives?

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

That can't be right.

I'm pretty sure this thing is a crock.